Pre-Birthday Meanderings

They say wisdom comes with age but I doubt that applies to the mid-twenties and undoubtedly seeps in through the 30s or maybe I've become wiser and don't know it yet? Who knows? I can't believe they actually did it: sending my notes by way of a messenger, so you see I can't fail. There's far too much riding on this. If I wanted to, I could write entire chapters in this newly bought notebook instead of setting down detailed plot points and character descriptions, if only so everything is clear in my mind. There is a walk to walk on what to tease and draw out over a course of 300 or so pages, but a finished something will take time. More time than what I have here, but this is a start and the rest is up to me. Somewhere between the future and the past lies a more attainable present. "Attainable" being the watchword. Do you even know what that means?

Eyes on the prize, set fiercely on the goal, but is it the unattainable? Have you set your sights so high that it's inhibiting you from finding your north as things stand now? Or is that too dramatic? Parts of The Carousel Man represent an old me, the me consumed with the sounds of the words themselves. Gray is about the people involved and threatens to be too much about them. TCM is about the plot; it's a deeply plot driven story chock full of overarching mythology and I now have a reading list. 

Unsociability has started rearing its ugly head again although this time it's more of an imposed hermit like existence, to get what I need done, done. With the birthday right around the corner [quite literally: I turn another year on Sunday], this would be a prime time to get out there seeing as how this is the first birthday without family. But some things are preset inbuilt parts of your personal DNA, though sometimes, if you're lucky, they may be variables instead of fixed numbers. 

Coming back to the plot vs characters discussion, I think a large part of my earlier writing life involved around the story, the plot, the feel for words and as time has moved on and my focus has changed, people have started playing a more integral role in my pieces. There is a definite shift that can be charted through my work. But, and this is something that I've been discovering in stages, people here are a lot better than I am and I think I needed that perspective, because at times yeah, it can get demoralizing but at other times it can really push me. And for the most part, it comes down to the writing process: I'm a drafter and redrafter and write quickly, without too many edits in the first draft. There are others like me and we stand on par with each other and then there are the people who submit quite polished pieces within a week's time, and I wonder where they get the patience and time to put in that work while maintaining an active social life. And sure you can justify it with the fact that you're writing a novel and these are shorter stories, but it isn't enough. I'm a planner and when I'm adrift or struggling, I know there's something wrong which is trying in of itself but when you're going through that process--your process--with the world watching, it can be, among other thing, a lesson in humility. 

I end this entry with a track that's been on my mind for the last day or two and while it was heard playing on a show I'm not too fond of, it's been stuck in my mind every since. That last part isn't hard to believe seeing as how another single 'Fidelity' slipped into my conscience after airplay on Veronica Mars.

Enjoy!

	Regina Spektor - Eet .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine