Living the dream...

For years, I've been a short story writer on the hopeful road to becoming a novelist, but as I've discovered recently: writing a novel's hard. It's terribly, terribly hard especially if you're used to things ending in 20 or so odd pages. Setting a scene, perpetuating a character's emotions and the emotions of others over a long duration is something I haven't been used to. I did once write a book when I was fourteen which resulted in my short stories always inching on the long short story form, but that's not the point. Or maybe that is the point and all of who I am today can be ascribed to the single lofty goal of a thirteen year-old me.

I don't believe in random occurrences: that life is a hodgepodge of things happening at random that build up to form our present and/or future. I think everything that's been done has informed the present. All of the decisions taken in the past completes me in the present and what will happen from hereon out will be what informs the me of the future. Occurrences put together by me or indirectly started by me. Life doesn't hit us like we're random strangers; you seek it out. If you just stand there, nothing 'random' is going to happen to you. If you don't choose to take the first step, life will pass you by and you'll suddenly be at the end without knowing what the fuck just happened. Life is all about initiative and doing. So yes, not a believer of "random". I also believe in God, so maybe that has something to do with my other philosophies.

During an online chat with a friend today, she said something that stuck. "You're religious, because you have to go and pray", but I don't think that's being 'religious', in all honesty. I'm a Muslim and there's just some stuff that comes with being one: praying forms part of the five pillars (of well, at least Sunni Islam), but then so do a lot of other things like fasting and charity and behaving well to your peers and the people around you. So I'm not so sure about being 'religious'. I hope that I'm doing what I believe in without being labeled as 'conservative', 'religious', 'liberal', 'semi-conservative', 'hijabi extremist' or any other box that exists out there that I haven't factored in. Human beings don't fit into predesigned boxes; we're dynamic individuals who have a wide medley of traits and qualities that in turn, inform us as people. But then, being judgmental is so very, very easy. I mean, the first impression of anyone (and seriously, try this out and feel free to report a different result should it occur), is nearly always black or white: this or that. It's always when you look beneath the surface, have closer contact beyond the initial meeting, that you begin to understand and put away your label maker. It's easy to say 'hey, don't be judgmental' and completely ignoring what an incredibly human impulse it is. One of the thoughts that crossed my mind on one of my walks back to my flat last week.

And now, I have to get back to work. To write that novel I am quite sure I don't have the capacity to write and which will, one day, result in my literary ruin no doubt. Or maybe I'll figure it all out and work my way to win a Pulitzer and/or the Man Booker and/or the Nobel Prize and learn to eat my words. That's the dream, my lovelies, and dreams don't die easy.

:)