Using Scrivner to write the long project I've undertaken for this course and having recently compiled an early draft into full novel form, there are several discoveries I've made. For starters, the project in novel form is coming to about 150 pages and there's still a lot left to cover; the first draft, even the slightly revised first draft, is still shit. There's a novel struggling to get out somewhere but it's going to take much editing and rewriting to get it there. But I've been given what I wanted most: time to get it all out on paper. Once you know what you've written--compiling it, reviewing it and rewriting it--you're working on things you already have chalked out in front of you. It all makes perfect sense once you know where it's going.
Another thing I've discovered--so much of this project has come to me in stages--is that the project is really a collection of different narratives tied into the single protagonist, who herself is chartering a course for self-discovery tied to the past. It's layered to a degree I didn't foresee when I first began writing it. But then, isn't that always the way? And if it isn't, it should be, at least for me. Even for a project that's been largely planned, the niggly bits like the structure, the actual concept of the novel in written form, beyond the over arching "socio-religious" genre of literary fiction I was aiming for, was all unknown. Much of that has come about during workshop sessions and reading the comments of my peers after, noting what's been working and sticking to my own writer's gut along the way. The program has been immensely helpful which is why I'm looking at perpetuating the experience for just a while longer. Of course, charting out what happens next (teaching at the college level being the most safest approach along with hitting the much larger publishing industry circuit) also plays an important role in my decision. I don't want to come out of this MA and be plunged into exactly what I wanted out of. I don't want to go back to a job I don't want in a field I wish I could leave behind in a capacity where I simply cannot get behind what I'm being asked to do. It would be like no time has passed.
So you see, I have to get an MFA. There is no other way forward but to be in a fully funded program where I can concentrate on writing, balancing a teaching schedule and making it all work doing things I love doing. I've said this once before: writing on this blog has brought me out of myself and the twitter experience has just enhanced that. This program reinforced the fact that I quite often tend to retreat into my shell when interacting with new people, even if as it happens, they're people like me with the same interests. It takes time for me to open up so that now, nine months later, I'm finally comfortable with the people around me and appropriately, the program's ending. The next time around, God Willing, it'll be a lot smoother of a transition. For starters, I'd been out of the academic life for seven years before I got here. That's a shitload of time.
Yes, everything I've done has led me here and whatever I do from this moment forward will bring me to my future (and as yet unknown...to me) destination.
But I'm no longer the idealistic individual I once was. Yes, it's still in there but the rising difficulty of getting work is hitting me in a way that forces me to reevaluate my ideals. I don't want to be in this position, but I am and there's no getting out of it. I will have to compromise in my chosen field. I will have to pick up positions that might be in the industry I want to be in, but not be the specific thing I want it to be, and that will be okay. Because it's one rung in the ladder. And you have to take it one rung at a time, right?
Right.
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