The Future

I can't imagine coming back to Numb just yet. Disconnecting from it for this length of time, forced me to remember who I became in those months of its writing. If it turns into the planned novel, I'll be living in an emotional shit-hole. No thank you. Not just yet.

Once Gray's finished, it'll be about putting it aside and then maybe sending it to someone on the course to look at. Just to get a fresh pair of eyes on it, even someone who's seen it in parts. 

The badness is coming back. After the euphoria of today, the expected low had to come. It comes at an unfortunate time: tomorrow's all about X-Men and the theater and escapist fun. Or, in retrospect, maybe the mini-depression comes at just the right time? I need to wallow in things for a bit. Let the stew sink in to Gray a bit, since now it's all about diving into the past. The time for writing the past in one big chunk has come. Just because of the sheer breadth to cover. What's left for the present? Oh yes, her breakdown. That's almost instrumental in this piece.

How far it's gone from what it was meant to be--from plot-driven to almost purely character-driven--everything's changed. But it'll be tighter on the edits. There is a purpose behind this story: I can't lose sight of that just yet and it's going to come full force in the "past".

The future is uncertain while plans for another graduate program are already underway. There are things I'm willing to do now--compromises I'm willing to make--that I just wasn't prepared for before. That's another way this course has changed me. To get what I want, I'll dig into the academic life only to realize it isn't the curse I've made it out to be. In an odd, twisted sort of way, it's exactly what I want. It's what I've wanted for quite some time.

I love being here. I love the independence, the freedom and liberty to write. Imagining doing this for two or three more years where money is no longer an issue, is amazing. The thought of it makes me giddy. I want it so very desperately. Especially now that I have a taste of what it can be like. 

I want it all. That's the tragedy of getting what you want after wanting it for so long: you don't want it to end, and when you find a way of perpetuating it, God help those who try to stop you.

Of course, I have no idea what the future holds. I could get an agent, I could be on the way to publication but ironically, that doesn't matter anymore. What I want more than anything else is the freedom back. The bubble some of my fellow writers rebel against sometimes, is exactly what I relish. The MFA will involve lit classes which will be fine, because it'll help in tempering the writer with the reader and the social tenacity to mingle. It'll be a whole other experience that I know how to handle. It's that simple. Besides, the MFA also gives you credentials to teach at the college level which pays the bills and reading and shaping the work of others? That's not a bad way to spend your time: to be surrounded by the creation of words and to play some part in the end result? That's fucking amazing. Besides, it directly plays into what I eventually want to do: come back and start a series of creative writing workshops for young writers in a setting that helps them build a voice, modeling it on an academic model and structuring it accordingly. No one's done that yet. What you do have are at a maximum, one week workshops, which are pointless because they don't give you enough time or flexibility or contact time to do what you need to. Besides, they're also open to everyone feeding into the popular misconception that "everyone can write". It's not true. 

People on the course aren't everyday, regular people: they're weirdos who have a passion for words, both the ones they write and those that others write. They see the world in a certain way and things like that can't be taught. You either have that psychology or you don't. Those are the people I'm interested in working with. But not yet. Not just yet. I have much to learn. I'm thinking 8-10 years down the line. So yeah, big picture here. And the MFA plays in directly to what I want to do.

I can't believe that God would let that slide, just because I'm here. At the right time. That's an important consideration.

And now, to sleep. Good night!