It isn't easy. The seeming 'effortlessness' comes after constant retuning and fine tuning. Stepping back is a luxury I just don't have. "Life" isn't about getting what you want, because when you do get it, turns out you just want more. I am human, and as a human, I will never be satisfied. I could do this for 2-3 more years, but if something unprecedented happens, and I don't get that chance, there was this year and it was brilliant. How it goes from here partly depends on me and the Man on the Moon.
Writing this thing has not been easy. Structuring it has been a pain in the ass, until I consider what may happen if it's picked up and all the work that will inevitably go into it to shape it up even more. It's a long process. It isn't easy. This is not an easy path I've decided to walk, but it's been a conscious decision. What fun would it be if it were easy? Absolutely no challenge. Love comes with a price. Strings dangle. But it's the devil's contract I'd sign quite willingly. It is eerie how much I am willing to sacrifice to get the story out of me. To be isolated. I'd take a writer's residence of 2-3 months easily, just to disconnect from everyone and everything.
What has happened here is simple: my love for solitude has just been reinforced. What happens when I leave this bubble? Will I be able to readjust? Life's different outside. Sometimes you have to play by the rules, not march to the sound of your own drummer. Sometimes conformity is absolutely essential.
But when I have ever done what was expected? It's what troubles them. Perhaps justly so. What do you do with a young woman who's far too independent minded and long-term oriented to see that the short term 'jobs' will yield to a long term goal long sought and hard won.
No, this is not a "hobby". No, this is not easy. But I'm not going to give up. You can't ask me to. I'll do it under the pretense of doing it your way, all along beating to the sound of my own drummer.
Yeah, you don't always get what you want. But sometimes, if you're lucky and work really, really hard, you just might arrive at a happy compromise.
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